Monday, November 1, 2010


My cousin's older sister recently asked her if I was a witch because of my name change. It's funny but I'm not at all surprised by this question at all. People have been trying to figure me out my entire life. When I was a child, other children would ask me if I was "crazy" so I tried to fit in so that they would think that I was like them. Suffice it to say, it didn't work. As a young adult, I tried on many guises trying to find one that suited me. I became a born again Christian (that didn't work out well at all), a trophy wife, and finally Afrocentric. As I grew into myself, I got a divorce and really began to explore whatever interested me. One of these things was witchcraft and voodoo. Witchcraft because it focused on women's power and voodoo because it focused on the power of African people. I also studied crystals, herbs and various forms of divination.

These all gave me insights into the woman I was going to be and they gave me my power because I understood my history as an African woman. I also stopped being considered crazy and became witch.

So what is a witch? Is she or he just someone who is alternative? Someone who practices earth based religions? Or is she someone who is capable of walking within her own power that is based on ancestral histories? For me, it is the last one. My power comes from the Earth and my ancestors that walked upon her back.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Sleepless Nights and Memories

Some nights, sleep just won't come. It is like a momentary visitor that only stays an hour or two before waking me up and reminding me of my reality. I am then awake and I have to think about it. The pain comes in waves: sometimes small, bearable and bittersweet. And then there are times when the tears come like a sweet release and I feel like I'll survive this. Other times, it is so overwhelming that crying isn't even an option. Luckily, the latter is happening less and less frequently.

The memories are always there. Sometimes they are wonderful and make me laugh, other days, not so much. My mind still doesn't fully accept that he's gone and that he'll never hold me again or that I'll never hear his voice again. I want to be angry but I don't know who to blame for this. God??? That doesn't make sense considering we will all make the same transition someday and I had almost four wonderful years with him. Some people never get what we had so I cant' be upset about that. My Beloved??? For walking peacefully into the realm of the ancestors at his appointed time? He wasn't murdered, he just died and that's no one's fault. Myself??? Maybe if I'd been a better wife and looked after his health, he'd be here? He had no history of heart disease and was extremely healthy. He worked out and watched what he ate and I loved him and made sure he was happy. That was all I could do. So my anger and confusion have no place because I have all the rational answers.

But that doesnt' make them go away.

How do I do this? How can I be a widow when just a few months ago I was so happy? I am confused by all of this. Somedays, I am lost as to what I should be doing, so I do nothing. Other days, I remember that I have hopes and dreams and they are my saving grace. The day it happened, I wanted to die but I knew that I wouldn't. I knew that this was something that I had to walk through and I know that I'll survive but somedays...Let's just leave it at somedays.People say that I'm so strong but honestly, this ain't strength, this is my spirit's determination to survive. It's kind of like when someone's trying to smother you and you fight: pure instinct. Inside, I am hurt somewhere so deep that I can't explain it to anyone.

So, that's why I'm typing a blog at three o'clock in the morning because sleep has abandoned me and my memories are knocking at my door, demanding that I feel them. But I don't want memories, I want my husband back. And I'm not going to get him in this lifetime. So I sit here in bed and I cry and I remember against my will. Tomorrow will be another day and I'll continue on but tonight there is no comfort except these words on my computer screen that you'll read.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Healings and New Beginnings

I haven't written a blog in almost a year. The reason? I didn't really have anything to say that hadn't been said by others many, many times before. So, my poor blog sat here alone and neglected.

And then June 30th, 2010 happened.

I have written about this in my journal but I couldn't write about it online. It was and is the worst thing I have ever experienced. It was the day my husband/soulmate made his transition to the realm of the ancestors. There were no signs, he was in perfect health until that day when a blood clot went to his heart and he was gone. I won't go into more details because it still is very fresh and personal to me. Suffice it to say that I loved him as I have never loved another and this love opened up my capacity to love others. For that, I will always be grateful.

So that brings me here, sitting in a hotel room the day before I return to Atlanta, the place we lived. I put all of my things in storage and made a beeline for my cousin's home so that I could be around people and not have to look and the home we built together. For almost three months, I was in her home and tried to remember how to live happily again. So that's what this blog is going to be about: My finding my joy in things that have made me happy in the past. I'm going to Atlanta to see my friends and to confront my fears. To see the places we went to as a couple and remember. I don't know what I'll experience but my plan is to blog it here. I know I'll be happy again but somedays, it looks very bleak. After Atlanta, I plan to go to Hawaii and spend some time at the Great Mother Ocean and tell her my woes. That's what you do, you know. When you hurt, you go and tell your Momma and let Her take away your woes.

As I rebuild upon what was my life, I expect wonderful things! I want to get my holistic health care business up and running, I want to live in a wonderful warm climate, I want to get back to vegan cooking for my family and friends. And I want to laugh and dance and sing and drink good red wines LOL! Let the next phase of my life begin!!!