My cousin's older sister recently asked her if I was a witch because of my name change. It's funny but I'm not at all surprised by this question at all. People have been trying to figure me out my entire life. When I was a child, other children would ask me if I was "crazy" so I tried to fit in so that they would think that I was like them. Suffice it to say, it didn't work. As a young adult, I tried on many guises trying to find one that suited me. I became a born again Christian (that didn't work out well at all), a trophy wife, and finally Afrocentric. As I grew into myself, I got a divorce and really began to explore whatever interested me. One of these things was witchcraft and voodoo. Witchcraft because it focused on women's power and voodoo because it focused on the power of African people. I also studied crystals, herbs and various forms of divination.
These all gave me insights into the woman I was going to be and they gave me my power because I understood my history as an African woman. I also stopped being considered crazy and became witch.
So what is a witch? Is she or he just someone who is alternative? Someone who practices earth based religions? Or is she someone who is capable of walking within her own power that is based on ancestral histories? For me, it is the last one. My power comes from the Earth and my ancestors that walked upon her back.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Sleepless Nights and Memories
Some nights, sleep just won't come. It is like a momentary visitor that only stays an hour or two before waking me up and reminding me of my reality. I am then awake and I have to think about it. The pain comes in waves: sometimes small, bearable and bittersweet. And then there are times when the tears come like a sweet release and I feel like I'll survive this. Other times, it is so overwhelming that crying isn't even an option. Luckily, the latter is happening less and less frequently.
The memories are always there. Sometimes they are wonderful and make me laugh, other days, not so much. My mind still doesn't fully accept that he's gone and that he'll never hold me again or that I'll never hear his voice again. I want to be angry but I don't know who to blame for this. God??? That doesn't make sense considering we will all make the same transition someday and I had almost four wonderful years with him. Some people never get what we had so I cant' be upset about that. My Beloved??? For walking peacefully into the realm of the ancestors at his appointed time? He wasn't murdered, he just died and that's no one's fault. Myself??? Maybe if I'd been a better wife and looked after his health, he'd be here? He had no history of heart disease and was extremely healthy. He worked out and watched what he ate and I loved him and made sure he was happy. That was all I could do. So my anger and confusion have no place because I have all the rational answers.
But that doesnt' make them go away.
How do I do this? How can I be a widow when just a few months ago I was so happy? I am confused by all of this. Somedays, I am lost as to what I should be doing, so I do nothing. Other days, I remember that I have hopes and dreams and they are my saving grace. The day it happened, I wanted to die but I knew that I wouldn't. I knew that this was something that I had to walk through and I know that I'll survive but somedays...Let's just leave it at somedays.People say that I'm so strong but honestly, this ain't strength, this is my spirit's determination to survive. It's kind of like when someone's trying to smother you and you fight: pure instinct. Inside, I am hurt somewhere so deep that I can't explain it to anyone.
So, that's why I'm typing a blog at three o'clock in the morning because sleep has abandoned me and my memories are knocking at my door, demanding that I feel them. But I don't want memories, I want my husband back. And I'm not going to get him in this lifetime. So I sit here in bed and I cry and I remember against my will. Tomorrow will be another day and I'll continue on but tonight there is no comfort except these words on my computer screen that you'll read.
The memories are always there. Sometimes they are wonderful and make me laugh, other days, not so much. My mind still doesn't fully accept that he's gone and that he'll never hold me again or that I'll never hear his voice again. I want to be angry but I don't know who to blame for this. God??? That doesn't make sense considering we will all make the same transition someday and I had almost four wonderful years with him. Some people never get what we had so I cant' be upset about that. My Beloved??? For walking peacefully into the realm of the ancestors at his appointed time? He wasn't murdered, he just died and that's no one's fault. Myself??? Maybe if I'd been a better wife and looked after his health, he'd be here? He had no history of heart disease and was extremely healthy. He worked out and watched what he ate and I loved him and made sure he was happy. That was all I could do. So my anger and confusion have no place because I have all the rational answers.
But that doesnt' make them go away.
How do I do this? How can I be a widow when just a few months ago I was so happy? I am confused by all of this. Somedays, I am lost as to what I should be doing, so I do nothing. Other days, I remember that I have hopes and dreams and they are my saving grace. The day it happened, I wanted to die but I knew that I wouldn't. I knew that this was something that I had to walk through and I know that I'll survive but somedays...Let's just leave it at somedays.People say that I'm so strong but honestly, this ain't strength, this is my spirit's determination to survive. It's kind of like when someone's trying to smother you and you fight: pure instinct. Inside, I am hurt somewhere so deep that I can't explain it to anyone.
So, that's why I'm typing a blog at three o'clock in the morning because sleep has abandoned me and my memories are knocking at my door, demanding that I feel them. But I don't want memories, I want my husband back. And I'm not going to get him in this lifetime. So I sit here in bed and I cry and I remember against my will. Tomorrow will be another day and I'll continue on but tonight there is no comfort except these words on my computer screen that you'll read.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Healings and New Beginnings
I haven't written a blog in almost a year. The reason? I didn't really have anything to say that hadn't been said by others many, many times before. So, my poor blog sat here alone and neglected.
And then June 30th, 2010 happened.
I have written about this in my journal but I couldn't write about it online. It was and is the worst thing I have ever experienced. It was the day my husband/soulmate made his transition to the realm of the ancestors. There were no signs, he was in perfect health until that day when a blood clot went to his heart and he was gone. I won't go into more details because it still is very fresh and personal to me. Suffice it to say that I loved him as I have never loved another and this love opened up my capacity to love others. For that, I will always be grateful.
So that brings me here, sitting in a hotel room the day before I return to Atlanta, the place we lived. I put all of my things in storage and made a beeline for my cousin's home so that I could be around people and not have to look and the home we built together. For almost three months, I was in her home and tried to remember how to live happily again. So that's what this blog is going to be about: My finding my joy in things that have made me happy in the past. I'm going to Atlanta to see my friends and to confront my fears. To see the places we went to as a couple and remember. I don't know what I'll experience but my plan is to blog it here. I know I'll be happy again but somedays, it looks very bleak. After Atlanta, I plan to go to Hawaii and spend some time at the Great Mother Ocean and tell her my woes. That's what you do, you know. When you hurt, you go and tell your Momma and let Her take away your woes.
As I rebuild upon what was my life, I expect wonderful things! I want to get my holistic health care business up and running, I want to live in a wonderful warm climate, I want to get back to vegan cooking for my family and friends. And I want to laugh and dance and sing and drink good red wines LOL! Let the next phase of my life begin!!!
And then June 30th, 2010 happened.
I have written about this in my journal but I couldn't write about it online. It was and is the worst thing I have ever experienced. It was the day my husband/soulmate made his transition to the realm of the ancestors. There were no signs, he was in perfect health until that day when a blood clot went to his heart and he was gone. I won't go into more details because it still is very fresh and personal to me. Suffice it to say that I loved him as I have never loved another and this love opened up my capacity to love others. For that, I will always be grateful.
So that brings me here, sitting in a hotel room the day before I return to Atlanta, the place we lived. I put all of my things in storage and made a beeline for my cousin's home so that I could be around people and not have to look and the home we built together. For almost three months, I was in her home and tried to remember how to live happily again. So that's what this blog is going to be about: My finding my joy in things that have made me happy in the past. I'm going to Atlanta to see my friends and to confront my fears. To see the places we went to as a couple and remember. I don't know what I'll experience but my plan is to blog it here. I know I'll be happy again but somedays, it looks very bleak. After Atlanta, I plan to go to Hawaii and spend some time at the Great Mother Ocean and tell her my woes. That's what you do, you know. When you hurt, you go and tell your Momma and let Her take away your woes.
As I rebuild upon what was my life, I expect wonderful things! I want to get my holistic health care business up and running, I want to live in a wonderful warm climate, I want to get back to vegan cooking for my family and friends. And I want to laugh and dance and sing and drink good red wines LOL! Let the next phase of my life begin!!!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I Remember
Early this morning, the ancestors were talking and I remembered...
I remember by beautiful mother's dark chocolate skin.
I remember her mother's skin and my great aunt's skin, dark like molasses.
I remember going to prayer meetings with old brown women who called on the Divine and being answered.
I remember old men deciphering the bible in kitchens where chicken and fish had been fried.
I remember old women kneeling beside beds with chenille spreads before they went to sleep and doing the same when they rose.
I remember sleeping on big old soft beds surrounded by love.
I remember pancakes made from scratch and Alaga syrup.
I remember being rocked to sleep and sleeping against big brown bodies.
I remember kisses and hugs just because I was me.
I remember laughter and food, always laughter and food.
I remember spades and dominoes while brown children ran through the house.
I remember Aretha, Sam, Al, the O'Jays and the Jackson 5 playing while folks danced and cracked jokes.
I remember late nights of stories about the old days in Arkansas while I snuggled against some adult.
Yes, I remember and I'll never forget.
I remember by beautiful mother's dark chocolate skin.
I remember her mother's skin and my great aunt's skin, dark like molasses.
I remember going to prayer meetings with old brown women who called on the Divine and being answered.
I remember old men deciphering the bible in kitchens where chicken and fish had been fried.
I remember old women kneeling beside beds with chenille spreads before they went to sleep and doing the same when they rose.
I remember sleeping on big old soft beds surrounded by love.
I remember pancakes made from scratch and Alaga syrup.
I remember being rocked to sleep and sleeping against big brown bodies.
I remember kisses and hugs just because I was me.
I remember laughter and food, always laughter and food.
I remember spades and dominoes while brown children ran through the house.
I remember Aretha, Sam, Al, the O'Jays and the Jackson 5 playing while folks danced and cracked jokes.
I remember late nights of stories about the old days in Arkansas while I snuggled against some adult.
Yes, I remember and I'll never forget.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Magick!
Autumn always makes me feel more "witchy" than usual. I don't know if it's the colors of the falling leaves, the chill in the air or maybe it's the simple fact that Samhain is right around the corner. There's something about October that makes me realize that it's time to pull my energy in, physically and spiritually. As the weather gets colder, I start to crave soups, teas and warm blankets while watching movies with my husband.
It also makes me think about MAGICK. I recently had a close friend ask me about magick. She wanted to know how to do it and if I could recommend any books on the subject. At first, I was excited about the prospect of helping a sista-friend learn about it but then I stopped and thought about it. My sista-friend is one of the most spiritually attuned people that I know. She teaches me about setting your intent, affirmations, meditation and other things. As I thought, I realized that she had been practicing magick her entire life, she'd just called it something else. So, I called her and told her that she was already doing it and she didn't really need me. Obviously, she agreed!
So, what is magick? Is it like Harry Potter or something more mundane? Honestly, I can't answer that. I can only tell you my personal definition of it.
Magick, for me, is recognizing when the Universe is doing it's thing. Sounds rather simple and unmagical, doesn't it? Well, allow me to elaborate. First of all, I'm not that type of sista who likes to cast spells. I'm not terribly good at it. I think it's because I believe that blessing someone is more in keeping with Divine Love. When I do cast a spell, it's more on the lines of sending healing energy or even helping out on the physical level. My magick deals with building community and helping out. My magick is also about educating people about their health and making sure our babies are healthy.
When magick is at work, you know. There's this incredible energy that's almost tangible if you're open to it.
When the Universe is at work (and She's always at work!), there's an air of expectancy in the air. It's seeing the sun starting to set earlier and knowing that you need to start to get your cold weather things together. It's seeing a cardinal and knowing that it's a sign for you. It's listening to that voice that's not really a voice because it's never lead you astray. It's meditating and feeling yourself melding with Source and understanding true love.
Magick is something you do, it's something that you already are. Your existence is magical! The Universe created you and there'll never be another one like you yet you're still a part of the whole. What could be more magical than that? So, if you're interested in magick, go within yourself. All your magick is right there.
It also makes me think about MAGICK. I recently had a close friend ask me about magick. She wanted to know how to do it and if I could recommend any books on the subject. At first, I was excited about the prospect of helping a sista-friend learn about it but then I stopped and thought about it. My sista-friend is one of the most spiritually attuned people that I know. She teaches me about setting your intent, affirmations, meditation and other things. As I thought, I realized that she had been practicing magick her entire life, she'd just called it something else. So, I called her and told her that she was already doing it and she didn't really need me. Obviously, she agreed!
So, what is magick? Is it like Harry Potter or something more mundane? Honestly, I can't answer that. I can only tell you my personal definition of it.
Magick, for me, is recognizing when the Universe is doing it's thing. Sounds rather simple and unmagical, doesn't it? Well, allow me to elaborate. First of all, I'm not that type of sista who likes to cast spells. I'm not terribly good at it. I think it's because I believe that blessing someone is more in keeping with Divine Love. When I do cast a spell, it's more on the lines of sending healing energy or even helping out on the physical level. My magick deals with building community and helping out. My magick is also about educating people about their health and making sure our babies are healthy.
When magick is at work, you know. There's this incredible energy that's almost tangible if you're open to it.
When the Universe is at work (and She's always at work!), there's an air of expectancy in the air. It's seeing the sun starting to set earlier and knowing that you need to start to get your cold weather things together. It's seeing a cardinal and knowing that it's a sign for you. It's listening to that voice that's not really a voice because it's never lead you astray. It's meditating and feeling yourself melding with Source and understanding true love.
Magick is something you do, it's something that you already are. Your existence is magical! The Universe created you and there'll never be another one like you yet you're still a part of the whole. What could be more magical than that? So, if you're interested in magick, go within yourself. All your magick is right there.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Week 2: Settling Into the Arms of Goddess
So last week, I applied for Unemployment. The experience was really positive and I felt the presence of the Divine Mother with me the whole day. I even received two hugs from a couple of sistahs as I walked around. The Great Mother was definitely working her mojo!
And then my ego decided to jump into the mix.
On the day that I was supposed to sign in online for Unemployment, the system said I wasn't authorized! That took me out of my loving vibe immediately. As Snoop Dog said, playing with my money is like playing with my emotions! I sent them an email and made countless calls but I wasn't able to get any assistance. I WAS PISSED!!! But I'd been reading this book by Doreen Virtue called the Lightworker's Way. I'd bought the book at a used book sale a few weeks ago, thinking that I'd never read it. After I was emancipated from my job, I was reading an article that referenced this writer and thetahealing (that's another blog lol!) so, I started reading it.
The book is an autobiography that also talks about spiritual principles and faith. As I read the book, it reminded me of who I was: An aspect of the Divine, an idea in Her mind and that I had the ability to change my circumstances through faith. Isn't it amazing how often we "spiritual" folks forget the fundamental cornerstone of spirituality which is FAITH?
Well, I got up and did my meditations and decided that I trusted Goddess. Not "I'm going to trust" or "I want to trust" but "I trust". This is a big deal for me because, like most folks, I falsely believe that I survive and thrive by my own intentions. Spirituality is something that we profess but don't really practice. Sure, we pray, meditate, read all these wonderful books but when it really comes down to the wire, we "try" to make things happen purely as a human being, not a spiritual being. Today, I decided to be spiritual first.
Well, long story short, as I'm sitting here typing this blog and rather unconcerned about that affair any longer, the phone rang. It was a number I didn't know but, on a hunch, I answered. IT WAS THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE!!! They were returning my call and everything was taken care of. I don't have to go down there tomorrow!!! All praises to the Great Mother, she handled business.
And then my ego decided to jump into the mix.
On the day that I was supposed to sign in online for Unemployment, the system said I wasn't authorized! That took me out of my loving vibe immediately. As Snoop Dog said, playing with my money is like playing with my emotions! I sent them an email and made countless calls but I wasn't able to get any assistance. I WAS PISSED!!! But I'd been reading this book by Doreen Virtue called the Lightworker's Way. I'd bought the book at a used book sale a few weeks ago, thinking that I'd never read it. After I was emancipated from my job, I was reading an article that referenced this writer and thetahealing (that's another blog lol!) so, I started reading it.
The book is an autobiography that also talks about spiritual principles and faith. As I read the book, it reminded me of who I was: An aspect of the Divine, an idea in Her mind and that I had the ability to change my circumstances through faith. Isn't it amazing how often we "spiritual" folks forget the fundamental cornerstone of spirituality which is FAITH?
Well, I got up and did my meditations and decided that I trusted Goddess. Not "I'm going to trust" or "I want to trust" but "I trust". This is a big deal for me because, like most folks, I falsely believe that I survive and thrive by my own intentions. Spirituality is something that we profess but don't really practice. Sure, we pray, meditate, read all these wonderful books but when it really comes down to the wire, we "try" to make things happen purely as a human being, not a spiritual being. Today, I decided to be spiritual first.
Well, long story short, as I'm sitting here typing this blog and rather unconcerned about that affair any longer, the phone rang. It was a number I didn't know but, on a hunch, I answered. IT WAS THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE!!! They were returning my call and everything was taken care of. I don't have to go down there tomorrow!!! All praises to the Great Mother, she handled business.
Monday, October 5, 2009
The Cocoon Became Too Small
I have worked in cosmetic sales for all of my adult life. I first got into the industry because I wanted to be a makeup artist. I felt that this would allow me to help women feel beautiful and, therefore, feel good about themselves. It was also a way for me to express myself creatively while earning a living and helping women. For a while, it was great. I learned a lot about makeup application and became a regional artist for a cosmetic line. Yet, something was still missing. I began to read about Afrikan people here and abroad and realized that I knew very little about my global ancestry.
One interesting thing about reading: It always leads me to read about another subject. I started reading about the oppression of women, Afrikan spirituality, crystals and oils, aromatherapy, orisa, witchcraft, KMT, etc. As someone who was the grand daughter of a pastor and a born again Christian who, before she "backslid", had plans to enter the ministry, this was all new and frightening yet I couldn't (or maybe wouldn't) turn away. I wanted to KNOW about all of those things that I'd been told to stay away from. And you know what? Not only is knowledge power, it is freeing! It was intoxicating and I wanted more then and I still want more now.
Yesterday, after having been on this path for over fifteen years and becoming increasingly fed up with this dehumanized world, everything came to a head: My job let me go. I had felt it coming in the ethers for a few weeks and I was embracing the opportunity to evolve once again. This is the chance to live a more authentic, a fuller life that is in harmony with the cosmos. This is the path of the priestess, the midwife, the wisewoman.
My interest are geared towards natural living, midwifery, veganism, herbal healing, building community and healing the earth. I am embracing the interconnectedness of all life. I see that we are all connected to each other, the plants, animals, minerals and the universe. This blog is my online journal of my journey.
Namaste.
One interesting thing about reading: It always leads me to read about another subject. I started reading about the oppression of women, Afrikan spirituality, crystals and oils, aromatherapy, orisa, witchcraft, KMT, etc. As someone who was the grand daughter of a pastor and a born again Christian who, before she "backslid", had plans to enter the ministry, this was all new and frightening yet I couldn't (or maybe wouldn't) turn away. I wanted to KNOW about all of those things that I'd been told to stay away from. And you know what? Not only is knowledge power, it is freeing! It was intoxicating and I wanted more then and I still want more now.
Yesterday, after having been on this path for over fifteen years and becoming increasingly fed up with this dehumanized world, everything came to a head: My job let me go. I had felt it coming in the ethers for a few weeks and I was embracing the opportunity to evolve once again. This is the chance to live a more authentic, a fuller life that is in harmony with the cosmos. This is the path of the priestess, the midwife, the wisewoman.
My interest are geared towards natural living, midwifery, veganism, herbal healing, building community and healing the earth. I am embracing the interconnectedness of all life. I see that we are all connected to each other, the plants, animals, minerals and the universe. This blog is my online journal of my journey.
Namaste.
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